x-Ael-x

De l'autre coté de la porte

Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 13:47

 http://x-ael-x.cowblog.fr/images/20130430125400.jpg

Le pire dans tout ça, c'est que je sais que ce que je fais est mal. Que je devrais pas m'aimer si maigre. Que je devrais pas refuser de manger, ou même être dégoûtée de manger.

Je sais que j'ai besoin de me nourrir, et que c'est ça qui me permettra d'avancer, de vivre, de continuer.

Mais dans ma tête, il y a une petite voix, une voix si petite mais qui a tant d'impact, qui me dit :
"-Tu veux vraiment redevenir la grosse vache que tu étais avant ? Te faire humilier à nouveau ? Faire une croix sur tes jeans taille 34, tes vêtements que tu trouves rayon enfant ? Est-ce que c'est ça que tu veux ? Alors vas-y, bouffe, ma grosse. Fais toi plaisir, prend ce gâteau au chocolat, et puis tiens, fais comme elle, mange ce sandwich plein de mayonnaise. Mais tu diras pas que je ne t'ai pas prévenue."

Quoi que je fasse, toute la journée, cette voix est là. Elle me fait comprendre que la nourriture, c'est dégueulasse et qu'il ne faut pas y toucher. Si j'ai faim ? Bah, bois un verre d'eau, mange un fruit (mais attention, pas n'importe lequel ! Oublie définitivement les bananes, les fraises et autres choses bien trop sucrées), prend une galette de blé, mais ne mange pas plus que de raison. Tu n'en as pas besoin !

Au supermarché, je tourne et retourne dans les rayons. Tout est scruté, analysé, décrypté. Trop de calories. Trop sucré. Trop consistant. Et même si j'ai honte de l'avouer, quand je cherche de la nourriture, je cherche aussi les choses qui sont faciles à vomir...

Donc, on banni la Pizza, les croûtes et la pâte c'est vraiment trop dur à vomir. On banni le pain, les sandwichs. Quand j'ai vraiment très faim, je peux à la rigueur me faire un peu de pâtes, c'est magiques les pâtes, ça se vomit tout seul. Certainement pas de gâteaux secs. Et je ne prendrais pas non plus de pommes de terre. 

Finalement, quand je repars du supermarché, mon caddie ne contient que des crudités, un paquet de pâtes, et c'est tout.

Tout ça après 2h de recherches.

Putain, j'en ai marre.

Par naphtaline-coquelicot le Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 20:13
C'est courageux d'en parler, surtout publiquement.

La photo est terrible: on voit tes os!
Tu ne crois pas que tu serais jolie si tu étais heureuse et correctement nourrie?
Par alyane le Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 21:45
Accepterais-tu de l'aide pour que cette petite voix persistante se taise?
Par X-Ael-X le Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 22:10
Bien sûr que j'aimerais que cette voix se taise, qu'elle me laisse en paix.. Mais quoi que je fasse, elle est toujours là! Je ne sais plus quoi faire. Alors je l'écoute... Car au final, elle reste la seule alliée que j'ai.
Par Ryuji le Mercredi 1er mai 2013 à 17:50
Une alliée ? Je dirais plutôt une ennemie. Cette voix-là, c'est le Mal, et elle est plus forte que l'autre voix, le Bien. Tu es en train de te laisser mourir à petit feu. C'est dommage, tu mérites mieux que cette vie. Et si tu mettais autant de volonté à te nourrir correctement que tu l'a fais pour perdre tout ce poids ? En commençant par arrêter de vomir ! C'est ton combat, et tu as déjà vaincu dans un sens, tu peux le refaire dans l'autre !
Par alyane le Jeudi 2 mai 2013 à 9:17
Une alliée bien dangereuse, il me semble...
Par invisible.evidence le Jeudi 30 mai 2013 à 15:17
Elle te fait du mal cette voix dans ta tête. Vraiment beaucoup de mal. Même toute petite, tu lui laisses trop de place. Puisque tu as fait tout ce chemin pour perdre du poids, et même si je sais que reprendre du poids, ça va très vite, ne crois-tu pas que tu sais quoi éviter pour de nouveau peser un poids trop important. Fais-la taire cette voix, envoie-la balader parce que ce n'est pas du tout une alliée.

Il te faut réapprendre à manger, retrouver du plaisir dans cette activité en choisissant de bons produits que tu ne mangeras pas à l'excès. Pour retrouver le goût des choses. C'est difficile, ça prend du temps, mais il faut que tu acceptes d'être patiente et que tu laisses des professionnels comme un diététicien ou un nutritionniste t'aider.
Par http://www.chambredereve.fr le Mardi 29 décembre 2015 à 9:55
Je n'en peux plus d'être obsédée que par ça !
Par http://www.cyclo-catharese.fr le Samedi 23 juillet 2016 à 9:39
Mais le pire, c'est quand on doit manger devant quelqu'un. Devant les collègues de travail, devant la famille, devant des amis...
Et là, c'est la descente aux enfers.
Par Lacoste Pas Cher le Samedi 8 octobre 2016 à 5:06
Aujourd'hui je suis Happy in Bali.
Par JennyBernard le Mercredi 14 décembre 2016 à 3:43
Merci beaucoup pour ton edito
Par AntoineGuyot le Lundi 19 décembre 2016 à 9:36
Un grand merci pour ton ecrit, je suis sur d’avoir pas mal appris.
Par ErwanDelage le Vendredi 23 décembre 2016 à 6:16
Merci beaucoup pour cet ecrit
Par Xavier Julliard le Mardi 27 mars 2018 à 18:01
Super article, un grand merci pour ce travail qui requiert de l’investissement
Par Sidonie Chavot le Lundi 30 avril 2018 à 21:55
Merci beaucoup pour ton article
Par Lauriane Perthuis le Jeudi 13 décembre 2018 à 17:30
Tu fais de l’incroyable job
Par Franollfus le Samedi 25 janvier 2020 à 13:55
Incroyable job, merci pour le job que vous faîtes !
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