x-Ael-x

De l'autre coté de la porte

Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 0:23

 J'ai mis du temps à me rendre compte que j'avais un sérieux problème.

Je me souviens d'une époque où je regardais des films sur l'anorexie, le dimanche après-midi sur M6. (On a tous connu ça..)
Je rigolais de ces filles qui devenaient malades et qui s'en rendaient même pas compte. Je me demandais comment c'était possible, avec toutes les informations qu'on a aujourd'hui, de ne pas voir qu'on a un souci ?

Et puis ça m'est tombé dessus. La première fois que je me suis fais vomir, j'ai cru que c'était parce que j'étais désespérée, que c'était du dégoût pour la nourriture, ou encore de la tristesse. Alors j'ai ignoré tout ça. J'ai continué ma vie, enchaînant les repas maigres et les vomissements.

Je ne me suis pas rendue compte qu'il y avait quelque chose de pas normal. C'est bête non? Tout ce que je savais, c'était que je voulais mincir à tout prix. Devenir belle, les faire regretter toutes ces souffrances, me venger, plus que tout me venger.

Et puis, fatalement, j'ai fais un malaise et j'ai dû me rendre aux urgences. Là-bas, une infirmière m'a regardée et m'a dit :
'-Je sais qu'on ne se connait pas. Mais tu es jeune, tu as toute la vie devant toi, et je pense qu'il est dommage pour une jolie jeune fille comme toi de te gâcher la vie avec l'anorexie."

C'était la première fois qu'on osait me le dire. La première fois qu'on mettait un nom sur mes souffrances, sur mes crises.
Oui, ce n'est pas normal de se faire vomir, surtout quand on mange en si petite quantité. Oui, ce n'est pas normal d'aimer ses os, d'aimer les sentir et les voir. Je n'ai pas honte de le dire. J'aime me voir maigre, sentir mes côtes, mes hanches, chose que je n'ai jamais pu faire auparavant.
Le fait de me priver, de perdre du poids, ça me fait avoir un espèce de contrôle sur mon corps, je suis la seule à décider, à juger. C'est moi qui décide, moi la Reine. C'est con, mais je me sens toute puissante.

Et puis il y a les jours qui suivent. Les jours où je suis tellement affaiblie que je vais même pas pouvoir me lever de mon lit, les jours où je vais avoir une terrible rage de dents car elles se déchaussent, les jours où je vais être pliée en deux tellement j'ai mal au ventre, les jours où je vais perdre mes cheveux par poignées tellement ils sont anémiés, les jours où je vais avoir des sueurs froides, des tremblements et le tourni après avoir vomi. Ces jours-là, je me rends compte que je suis dans la merde, que ce que je fais n'est pas bien, que je vais finir par me tuer.

Malheureusement, ce genre de pensée rationnelle ne reste pas souvent, et mon désir de mincir reprend le dessus.

Alors pourquoi je suis ici, à blablater sur tout ça ?
Parce que je suis épuisée. A bout de forces. Que je suis perdue, que je n'arrive plus à faire face à tout cela seule, parce que j'ai besoin de parler mais pas à quelqu'un dont je pourrais voir le regard, car le regard des gens et parfois plus douloureux que des mots quand il se fait jugeur. 

Parce que tout simplement, je me dis que peut-être, quelque part, quelqu'un a vécu ou vit la même chose et que peut-être, on pourrait s'entraider.

Parce que peut-être, un jour, je pourrais guérir et retrouver la joie de vivre, de sourire sans faire semblant.
Et peut-être qu'un jour, enfin, j'apprendrais à aimer ce que je mange.



http://x-ael-x.cowblog.fr/images/20130429200605.jpg
Me voilà donc aujourd'hui... Bon, c'est pas catastrophique, j'ai encore quelques petits bourrelets, et des cuisses bien présentes...
Ou alors c'est moi, ou alors c'est dans ma tête, ou alors je ne sais pas.

Par Ryuji le Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 12:31
Tu en es à un stade où tu fais mal à ton corps et à ton esprit, tu le sais mais tu continues. À l'origine c'était pour le regard des autres, tu avais l'impression que plus tu étais maigre, plus on te trouvait belle. Et maintenant ? Au-delà de la nourriture, ne te prives-tu pas de quelques joyeusetés de la vie, que tu embrassais avant ?
Par X-Ael-X le Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 12:48
Sauf que c'est tellement compliqué. Je ne trouve aucun réconfort, aucun plaisir dans la nourriture, bien au contraire, je n'y vois que l'enfer et la torture. Quand je fais mes courses, c'est un vrai parcours du combattant, je lutte contre les larmes à chaque rayon, car RIEN, et quand je dis RIEN c'est vraiment RIEN, je me donne faim, ne me donne envie. Alors je tourne et retourne en espérant tomber sur quelque chose qui passera... Mais au final, rien ne passe, rien ne va, et je suis juste une paumée parmi les rayons.
Par autresrimes le Mardi 30 avril 2013 à 16:05
te souhaitant le plein de positif, que tu arrives à trouver le juste bien être sur le chemin de ton humaine vie.
l'important s'est d'être bien avec soi même (tel que l'on soit) et peu importe le jugement des autres, (car trop souvent ceux qui jugent ont eux aussi leurs intérieurs soucis---))
il est important de se faire plaisir dans la vie tout en faisant attention bien sur. mais il est important de vivre et d'accepter ses choix.
bonne fin d'après midi de la part du troubadour Emmanuel
Par nigro-notanda-lapillo le Mercredi 1er mai 2013 à 9:15
Je sais. Je comprends cette douleur et ce dégoût face à la nourriture. Tu n'es pas la seule à ressentir cela.
Je ne sais que te dire d'autre, tant je suis toujours ancrée dans cet enfer.
Je te souhaite une agréable journée et beaucoup de courage.
Par invisible.evidence le Jeudi 30 mai 2013 à 15:12
Tu es belle, tu as un joli visage.
Je ne sais pas si ça t'aidera, mais tu peux peut-être tenter de t'asseoir en tailleur tous les soirs et te concentrer sur ta respiration. Passer un peu de temps devant la glace et regarder ton corps, apprendre à l'aimer tel qu'il est à présent et en prendre soin.

Tu n'es pas la seule à ressentir du dégoût pour ce que tu manges. Parfois, j'ai ce que j'appelle des fringales. Je mange, à n'en plus pouvoir, des choses grasses que j'ai banni de mon alimentation. Les problèmes digestifs reviennent, d'anciennes douleurs se font sentir. Mais je mange parce que j'ai cette envie de dévorer, j'ai faim.
Mais à la différence, je ne me suis jamais fait vomir. Parce que pour mincir, je vais passer la journée suivante à manger très peu, voire à jeuner. Et je vais faire du sport, tout ce qu'il faut pour m'aérer la tête, marcher, aller nager, respirer à fond. Et je me regarde dans une glace. Et je m'attarde sur les points positifs.

Je n'étais pas aussi ronde que toi, pour 1m61 je pesais 63kgs mais je me sentais mal dans ma peau alors j'ai fait ce qu'il fallait. Il y a des jours où je me trouve grosse à certains endroits de mon corps, des fois quand je suis assise je me sens mal à l'aise. Mais j'ai de la chance d'avoir des personnes autour de moi qui me rassurent, et cette présence est vraiment très importante. Je voudrais qu'il y ait des gens près de toi pour te donner de l'amour et dire comme tu es belle. Qu'ils enlèvent ce désir de vengeance et cette obsession.
Par http://www.ccommecarole.fr le Mardi 29 décembre 2015 à 9:55
La première fois qu'on mettait un nom sur mes souffrances, sur mes crises.
Par http://www.vansfranceofficiel.fr le Samedi 23 juillet 2016 à 9:41
Les paris, les mauvaises blagues dont j'ai ete victime me hantent toujours. Parfois, quand je ne travaille pas et que je suis a la maison, en ecoutant la musique, toutes ces choses me reviennent en tete.
Par Maillot De Foot Pas Cher le Samedi 8 octobre 2016 à 5:06
Aujourd'hui je suis Happy in Bali.
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Par 토토사이트 le Lundi 4 novembre 2024 à 2:43
Your post achieves something special - it manages to be both thoroughly detailed and completely accessible. The clear progression helps build understanding in a natural and effective way.
Par 토토사이트 le Lundi 4 novembre 2024 à 2:43
I appreciate how you anticipate and address potential areas of confusion before they arise. Your foresight in explaining challenging concepts has made this learning experience much smoother.
Par 토토사이트 le Lundi 4 novembre 2024 à 2:43
The level of detail and clarity in your explanation is exactly what I needed to grasp this topic. Your systematic approach has helped me overcome numerous conceptual challenges.
Par 토토사이트 le Lundi 4 novembre 2024 à 7:08
The way you explain complex topics shows remarkable teaching insight. Your practical examples help reinforce theoretical concepts well.
 

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